It’s funny how depression can give you a penchant for self-destruction. You feel miserable, so you do things that you know will make you more miserable (or you choose not to do things even though that will make you feel more like a failure). You feel like maybe you don’t deserve to be fixed, really, or like there’s no point in trying to be happier if you’ll never really achieve it.
One of the things I beat myself up the most over is how I have a hard time sticking to long-term things. I’m in my 4th attempt at community college and once again I’m having a hard time making it through a single semester. I hate that I quit or fail so often at school, work, and life in general, but I can’t tell you how many days I’ve woken up and decided to skip class or how many days I’ve gone to campus with my ride but skipped most of my classes anyway. I have a counselor here at school who’s working with me on my depression, and sometimes I skip appointments to stay home and do nothing. I know this just reinforces bad habits and makes me feel worse, but I don’t feel guilty enough to change.
I started off this semester with high hopes and lots of determination. I’m hanging on a little tighter than I ever have before, but it still looks like I’m probably going to fail at least one or two of my classes and if that happens I’m going to lose my financial aid eligibility. If THAT happens I may as well give up because I can’t afford to pay for my own schooling and nobody is going to give me a student loan with my credit history. Basically I’m just in yet another mess of my own making and honestly I don’t feel angry at myself anymore. I’m just sad and tired. I guess I could blame it on Josh, for being a total idiot, but honestly it’s not his fault if I don’t know how to handle disappointment and frustration. That’s an issue I guess we’re supposed to be exploring in my counseling sessions. The amount of power I give to other people over my emotions. And honestly that’s a slippery concept for me personally; in theory I get the gist of what I’m looking for but in practice it’s like a giant blind spot. I can’t imagine thinking or feeling a different way than I do about the kinds of things I’m supposed to be looking at more critically. I can’t quite see where I’m going wrong, what attitude I have that’s causing the problematic behavior. Normally I can kind of see what I need to change, generally speaking, even if I’m not sure how. But in this, I’m clueless. It’s uncomfortable for me because I’m used to at least be able to detect the surface of a problem I have. It feels like trying to describe the shape of a negative space, a nothing spot. I know it’s there, but I have to just feel around trying to touch it so I can start to gather information.
I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t know what to do. I know what I should do, I know what would be good to do, but I don’t know if I want to do any of it. I feel like I’m at a bit of a crossroads and I’m not sure if I’m going to keep going the way I’ve always gone, or if I’m going to honestly take a new path. It’s so tempting to just fall back on comfortable, familiar habits. Even if I know they hurt me. Maybe I just don’t want to be happy because then I won’t have an excuse not to do stuff anymore. Maybe I like having a reason to hide and fail and just scrape by. I can blame it on depression and not feel like I’m just being lazy. But maybe I really am being lazy. I don’t know.