It Doesn’t Matter What Kind It Is…

Depression sucks. 

Planning to visit family for a holiday but being unable to stand up, much less drive anywhere. Having to apologize and feeling guilty but not being able to change it.

Knowing what you want your life to look like, but never having the energy to make it happen. Not truly believing it’s even possible. Hating your existence but feeling stuck.

Feeling like nothing in the world is real and that if you just sleep long enough the nightmare will pass. Being unable to acknowledge reality because it’s too big and painful.

Laying in bed crying for no reason. Loved ones feeling helpless and starting to hate themselves and resent you for not getting better. Days blending together in a blur of darkness.

Sobbing as you hold a pile of pills in your hand, unsure of your decision but unable to bear the pain, the overwhelming torture of existence. The guilt, the self-loathing, the despair, the utter loneliness.

Hiding away from your friends. Your family. Everyone. Feeling numb. Just staring at the ceiling blankly.

So much pain in the world. 

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I’ve Got a Busted Heart

Honest thoughts, not happy:
My head knows it’s not true, but my heart feels like a failure.

I am so close to giving up on my dream of marriage and a family because I just don’t see it happening anymore. 

I love more than I am loved. This is always the case. And I rarely even get chances to find out if that might change.
I am so discouraged by the pattern of not being good enough to even be given a fair chance.

I don’t know why I try, anymore. Or why I should try.
I am very much defeated right now.

Too Tired

I guess that’s how I know I’m really depressed. I have a blog post I want to write for another blog but as soon as I open WordPress, my shoulders slump and I just feel like it’s an insurmountable task. Why bother? Writing is too much effort. It’s not even that I have nothing to say, I just don’t have the energy to say it.

There are things I enjoy doing but right now I’m just too tired. I’m reading a really good book and I had to stop for the day because I just…couldn’t care anymore. I want to go to sleep but I’m almost too tired to actually dedicate myself to doing that.

I’m too tired to care that this post is stilted and ugly. I love words but right now it’s about just doing something. Because right now I guess I CAN do something and if I don’t do it now, I never will. Because the fog will descend and I’ll be left despondent and tired again.

I have hope for my future, and I know this struggle I’m in will pass. But, I’m just too tired to see it all the time. I’m just so exhausted. I long for peace and rest. Maybe someday I’ll have it.